Let me run this by you.
Before we get angry or sad, we get resentment.
For example, say a driver in a car does not give way to us.
We can get 2 types of resentment from this experience.
1. Resentment that the driver did not give us something
(in this case, the way)
2. Resentment that we did not get what we wanted
(ie to be in a desired position at a specific time)
These resentments can then effect what happens next (hope he dies in an accident) and how we feel (angry and sad) for potentially years after, depending on the circumstances.
Lets look at Resentment 1: Why do we think and expect that this unknown driver/person
is going to give us something, out of the blue? We do not know this person and have no agreement on how we are going to behave with each other only some road rules to guide us.
I say that it is because we have been expecting others to serve us since the first day that we were born. And unfortunately have not learnt or been taught yet that our expectations are understandable but not acceptable (especially to others).
The 2nd Resentment is more curious in that we end up resenting ourselves indirectly.
It is a bit like standing out in the rain and getting wet and resenting the rain for making us cold and wet, instead of getting out of the rain. I have yet to understand why we would embark in such behaviour but I do believe that most of us bask in these two resentments to varying degrees and at varying times.
Isolating and understanding them can help us in our resentments and our quest to reduce anger and sadness in our life, I believe.
Yeah I guess defined as external and internal resentments.
With external resentment manifesting as blaming other people and internal blaming ourselves.
The funny thing is that I’ve noticed in myself, is that i might start out by resenting/blaming the other for what I didn’t get and then move to resenting/blaming myself for allowing it to happen.
But if like you say, that neither resentment is acceptable, then blaming myself is no better than blaming the other.
I guess the goal then in this case is to just appreciate the circumstance of both parties and merely be accountable for my contribution rather than coming down hard on myself or others.