Can anyone argue that life is not about learning to draw our own boundaries?
To me, complaining to or about someone’s behaviour before we drew our line is unreasonable and is probably the first boundary needed to be drawn by each and agreed to.
How we go about drawing the rest of our boundaries, the devil in the detail.
I was discussing this point with someone recently who agreed that we should draw up our own boundaries and then they proceeded to tell me how I should draw up mine. WARNING! WARNING!
At this point I should/could have informed her what my boundaries are i.e. That I prefer to draw up my own without her direct advice. Hearing what her boundaries are is fine but my line is drawn at being told what my boundaries or other peoples, should be.
Sharing with each other our own method is acceptable to me, like “this is what I do and why and how I like to be treated…” but not actively trying to convert the other. i.e. “You can’t do it that way, you should do it this way….”
Boundary drawing will be part of my next conversation, and I will draw up mine by letting them know how I draw mine and how I would prefer to hear their boundaries.
What happens if we rethink boundaries and see it as a flexible invisible bubble where you allow other people to enter? Let’s say, the first time you meet someone, you can share one sensibly thing, the second time the space where you allow a person has changed. The boundaries could perhaps be see as universal no nos instead.
Thanks for the comment and question T.
I think that this would only work if you both had the same or very similar definitions for “sensible”.
So worth a try but what happens when you try this and the other person finally thinks what you said is non-sense (not sensible) or even just inbetween sensible and non-sensible?
For me, this is the main point of this post and blog and my book, what we do after this point of non-sensible blockage/pause or dispute and if there is a better method to deal with these moments.
If we can agree on how we deal with these non-sensible moments before they occur rather than after, then I think we can have better outcomes. That is the theory and what my brother and I live by with each other.