It seems to me that there are two approaches or mediums for communicating, direct and indirect. Direct being to go direct the the person or organisation that one has the problem or issue with and indirect to go behind the backs of the person of organisation that one has a problem or issue with (colloquially called gossip).
The indirect medium is far more popularly used and, I believe, has resulted in causing a lot of problems in our society and for businesses.
Most people choose the indirect approach to “vent” or “dump” their problems on their family and/or friends resulting in a merry-go-round of spreading this load throughout the community with usually the last person to hear being the person or organisation that the issue is with. This method, although endorsed by the users as being the better approach, can pervert the issue, resulting in inefficient and inaccurate information being dispersed.
Couple that with sycophantic and obsequious behaviour by the listener of such gossip and we have a perfect storm for compiling a one sided story and exasperating disputes. Most people do not use the direct approach to solving or resolving issues because they are afraid of how the person or organisation will react to this information and because there does not seem to be any “rules of engagement” for such a process. And also because it is not encouraged or endorsed by, I dare say, anyone.
Well I am endorsing it here and as difficult as it may seem and insurmountable the process may seem, by choosing this medium, one is setting oneself in a direction that can lead to surprising results.
For one thing, after trying the direct approach for some 30 years, I recommend using an agreed set of “rues of engagement” (ROE) or guidelines for sharing such issues or problems direct. Being without practice and using the indirect approach for so long, I recommend that one develops such ROE ASAP.
I have cobbled together some 6 ROE that my brother and I use when using the direct approach to resolving our problems. These ROE have been designed to moderate our discussions or conversations during our direct approach. But of course you can cobble together your own.
So far this approach seems to have kept me out of trouble but the down side to it is that because not many people seem to vouch for this method, it can leave one out there in the blue ocean while everyone else it drowning in a sea of red (blood).
Someone wise once said to me “I were to use ‘most people’ as my yard stick, then I think I’d mostly come out looking good”. I agreed with that feedback.
So perhaps more accurate if you said “most people I meet seem to……” – hehe then perhaps that says something about the company you keep 🙂
I think one reason one might not use the direct approach, is the lack of skill nor practice they have in bringing an issue up (ie. scared it will lead to conflict)
Whereas I try at least to grease dialogue by emphasising how I have benefited from the other person so far, and that bringing up this issue does not negate that benefit. Then let them know what’s on my mind!
maybe its a bit convoluted the way we do it – i.e. not very organic – but I think as we get better at broaching things, we also become more confident and natural delivery, which I think also helps others to more easily engage..
Do you want teh direct approach?
I think that who ever told you to follow the majority has idiotic thinking and you thinking to follow his advice is also idiotic in my view. I say it is a recipe for mediocrity. I suppose they are right, you can’t really go wrong but you can’t really go right either, stuck somewhere around the middle of the bell curve.
Thanks for the feedback Des, though I think you have got it wrong.
Not “follow the majority” – but don’t use the ‘so called’ majority as my yard stick (i.e. “I am better than ‘most’ people” in any particular regard)
I think akin to saying “I am fitter that fat lazy bastards”.
I suggest just try be better than yourself (instead of the so called “most”), if you want to make it into the blue ocean.
Though keep working on it grasshopper!!
To take my own advice, let me say that – yeah i agree with you – that’s it’s easier to complain than actually do something about it. Hence this is a topic I think as a people we need to discuss.
…also i think it’s easier compare ourselves to others, than it is to change ourselves. I think that’s why there is a lot of gossiping – coz by gossiping we don’t really have to change ourselves in order to feel better (even if just short term).
Admittedly though – if we as a community had more emphasis on this value of more “direct vs indirect”, then I think we more often would feel better on our own accord (courage) as opposed to at other people’s expense. (sometimes gossip can be akin to slander, I think)
keep up the good work!! 😉