I reckon that a lot of relationships run on the premise of a “Bank of Goodwill”.
ie That you put into their bank and they put into your’s and if, for any reason, you let the other person down, your bank of goodwill is expected to cover it.
Unfortunately how much you put into each others bank is in the eye of the beholder and of course I believe put more into your
bank than you might deem I have and vice versa.
This is the story that my mate told me last night.
I told him that is fine but I did not agree because, firstly, unless this is overtly agreed to upfront, before the bank account of goodwill is open up and transactions take place, it is so open to abuse and misinterpretation, in my view.
I think I hit on a train of thought (group of neurons) that most people seem to live by.
and what causes us to “put up with” each other’s shit, up to a point and then bam!
And then we get:
“But I listened to you for two months and now it’s your turn”
“But i have slaved over a hot stove and now you can’t even do that for me”
“I’m sick of this, I’ve had enough”
Now, one is deemed to have overdrawn the bank account of good will by the other, and is seen as their fault also. The blame game begins and now it is impossible to measure objectively so no accountability, with no way to safely resolve.
Both accounts collapse and all the goodwill market is lost and this was not so hard to predict or forecast.
In Australia the average bank of goodwill collapses every 8.7 years (the average length of a marriage before separation)
Maybe this link will help your train of thought, Bank of Good Will v The Love Bank! http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html
Thanks for that and I agree with this too but it is obviously not working well or workinig too well as people are only lasting 8.7 years in a marriage in Australia, so one or both feel that the bank accounts of the other are lacking.
So I guess my point is to make sure we discuss this issue upfront and that no one wants a freeloader. And so that we make sure our units are the same or similar value before we start and understand that both of us will be watching consciously or subconsciously.
Yeah just completed the article, thanks again and once again I agree only I don’t want someone depositing in my love bank account just to keep on my good side so I think it must be more nuanced that this.
What I value most needs to be fulfilled for me and i am sure vice versa rather than just getting someone’s deposit where I cooked her a wonderful dinner or she fixed my car and thinking that should satisfy the other.
They are good deposits too but what I value most is that she sat down with me to discuss these issues until I was satisfied that the issue was resolved until the next conversation and that she was willing to go without everything else till we balanced the books so to speak.
Obviously finding a partner that equally/closely valued this balancing of our books would be my ideal (the balancing takes place simply by being there for each other to deal with the issue). I have a system that my brother and I use to do this in business that we call the 6As. https://rethinkperfect.com/contents/six-rules-of-engagement/
What I usually get is that I think too much or get over it. Which is great as they are simply letting me know that we have a different value for these units and time to move on unless we can explain a better way for balancing the books.