To me the converting of others is understandable but not acceptable.
“Don’t you think…”
“Why do you always….”
“You should know better….”
“When are you going to …..”
These are all examples of someone trying to convert the other.
Whether they are using rhetorical or leading questions, the statements are
usually also laced with tone and volume and we all know what it feels like to be on
the receiving end of such vitriol.
The irony is that politeness and manners usually require us not to use such
statements on each other, when we first meet. But once we get to know each other
there seems to be no protection from such methods to try to get us to act a way
to suit the speaker.
I am afraid that unless I have an agreement on how we are going to approach such
behavior that I leave myself open to potentially trying to convert them back
in my defense. In effect I am afraid that I will do what I am afraid of having done on me.
….sure try get agreements – but not because your scared!
I think it’s understandable that one feels the need to get agreements before hand, so as to try avoid fear or awkward situations happening, i.e. “agree how to approach such behavior, so as to limit their repetition”.
Though to me – allowing our fears to govern our approach (as opposed to our aspirations) I think is limiting towards one’s development. I reckon regardless of any agreement people will say, do and react, as they feel in that moment – and on each and every occasion I think ultimately its up to us to us, to at least appreciate their expression, and we can then let them know how we feel as a result (i.e. I feel like your trying to convert me, tell me what i should be doing etc) I think that’s all they need to hear!
I reckon if I try to get an agreement on how to deal with such an occurrences, then i will miss out out on the potential feedback and interaction, simply because I’m the one that’s scared and unable to deal with my fear of reacting in the a way I don’t want to be treated.
Ok granted – someone might act in such a way, i give them feedback, and they act the same way, I give them feedback etc etc. i.e. it seems they do not want to be accountable for the effect of their behaviour. So in that case, sure I can make a call to remove myself from that scenario anytime I see fit, if I deem the benefit from the interaction does no outweigh the negatives.
I just think our constructive feedback to others is going to be more effective than so called agreements or expectations (i.e. agreement that I don’t think one can ever really prove exist anyway – given people might just say what they think you want them to say in that moment).
So sure try get agreements – but not because one is scared – but maybe when one is inspired instead.
I think that by you choosing to “remove myself from that scenario anytime I see fit ” when you ” give them feedback, and they act the same way”, that you already have proven that you initially fear that you would have to do that, I certainly fear that also ie fight or in this case flight.
Also I think that you are afraid of the the use of the word fear.
I could use the phrase “cautious awareness” or a level of, that I have for someone trying to convert me, but I think that is the same as a level of fear to cross the road, especially in Germany where they drive on the wrong side of the road.
Granted a life without fear would be ideal but for now I do not live in utopia and I think some levels of fear are resonable but granted that I probablly am overly cautious rather underly so. Being perfectly cautiously aware is not an option for me in this case and in my view.
Finally, to me there is nothing much “inspiring” about using the threat to walk out on someone because they will not listen to your feedback. Now having an agreement to do so is possibly a start or even better some other way of dealing with such a situation.
You mentioned convergence….
Maybe there is a correlation between convergence and increased understanding.
So perhaps when both peoples understandings have sufficiently converged – then our methods of communication have done their job, for now.