rethink PERFECT

1. What is our latest Agreement Point?
   A: That we are all looking for an agreement.
2. What does the Agreement Point look like?
   A: Adjustable, open for further discussion, not L.A.W. !
3. What are complaints?
   A: An unsophisticated way to make an argument.
4. What is gossip?
   A: An unsophisticated way to make a complaint.
5. What is a point of argument?
   A: A way for us to get our next Agreement Point.
6. How do we improve the quality of our argument?
   A: Use an agreed process
7. What is the suggested process we could agree to try?
   A: The 6A’s process:

• Speak with; Acknowledgment, Appreciate, Apology (speach in defence)
• Listen for; Adjustablity, Accountability, Acceptability

It seems like we focus more on the points that we disagree on.
I suggest we find the point at which we agree & then
rethink from there.

I would suggest that our first Agreement Point is that:

1. We are responsible for letting others know how we would like to be treated.
2. How I would like to be treated is that others will let me know asap when they disagree
   or doubt what I am saying so that we can simply backtrack to find the point of agreement and rethink from there.
3. All points of agreement are adjustable at any time by re-agreeing.
4. A complaint  is an indicator of leaving the agreement point. Simply find the argument to backtrack to
   the Agreement Point.
5. Rethink Perfect can be done together only best to use an agreed process to do so.
6. I suggest we use the 6A’s as a process.
   ie. When we speak, speak with:
   Acknowledge
   Appreciate
   Apology
   When we listen, listen for:
   Adjustable
   Accountable
   Acceptable

Built upon the foundation of how we want to be treated, I believe that with just 5 simple agreements all things are possible in both personal & business relationships.
The five agreements go like this.

1. That all agreements are open to be discussed again, to further improve the agreement.

2. That every complaint has an argument behind it, …….let’s find it!

3. That every argument has an new or improved agreement behind it – refer to the first agreement.

4. That to discuss our arguments we need a process.

5. Finally, I propose the “6 A’s” as my process of choice or Agreement Filters.

a. That we filter our ears with:
1. Adjustability
2. Accountability
3. Acceptability (ultimately)

And filter our mouth with:
4. Appreciation
5. Acknowledgement
6. Apology (speach in defence)

Of course the five agreements are open to be reviewed & revised as per the first Agreement.

A study of 3 choices in relating and what “conversation” is really for.
Twenty two years ago I asked a young woman, that I worked with, what a conversation was for and her half joking reply was “Your f#%ked!” I guess it is not the question “normal” people ask but I guess I’m not a normal person. Twenty two years later I think I may have the answer. Below are the 3 aspects that go into making up a conversation. I will try explain what I think are the pros & cons for each and what a conversation is actually for.

1. Why “silence is golden”?…gold doesn’t change!

A study of why we have secrets and the role of guilt in a relationship.
I figured out a long time ago that relating often revolves around
“Lying by omission”. It says more about people by what they leave out than what they say I reckon. Moving forward from silence we have…

2. Why we compromise ourselves by compromising?

A study of the double meaning of “compromise” in a relationship.

3. To argue or not to argue that is the question?

A study of problem solving within a relationship that is as old as Socrates.
How agreements are formed with Agreed process of arguing using 6A’s.
Speak: Acknowledge, Appreciate, Apologise to convert suppression and complaints into arguments.
Listen for: Adjustable, Accountable, Acceptable language to convert arguments into agreements. Also the irony in that “argument” also has contrasting duel meaning.

4. Conversely speaking
Finally, how this understanding is used in a conversation to convert each other using a convergence of converse ideas.
Examples of my failed conversations over the last 22 years & how I aim to have a successful one someday.

How can we have happy personal & business relationships if we don’t even have a definition for
the term Agreement? Yes that is right an agreement on what Agreement means!

I think that you would be surprised how little you know & understand about such a simple word.

For example what is the difference between an Agreement & Promise? Have you ever realised that
compromise is spelt com promise?

My definition of Agreement is that it is only a moment away from the posing of my next Argument.
It is a fluid idea that is built upon as new thoughts occur. Where as a Promise is a fixed thing
that we are expected to live up to forever.

Most of our relationship thinking is based on the Promise so tremendous pressures are placed on
us as we continue to learn new things yet are required to stick with an age old Promise or com-promise.

So if we were to make our Promises more fluid like Agreements then we will need guidelines to enable the
process of posing arguments. Well I have come up with this process called the 6A’s

Anyone interested please contact me for more.

Hi Nan,
my question about agreement was a more general one but as you are a woman & I am a man
it still applies to us too.
The funny thing about this is that I will be trying to get an agreement from you
on the concept of agreement. It might not even be possible. But then again I do believe that with awareness
and understanding anything can be achieved.

I think an Agreement is just a step after an accepted Argument.
Not “having an argument” but rather “making one’s argument” or line of thinking to get the others feedback
and ultimately agreement on.
That an agreement is only as good as the next argument.
And after the argument is the next, improved agreement (hopefully), or possibly an ending of the relationship even.

To me the “agreement” is so much more flexible than the “promise” and more realistic as
I doubt that I can promise anything not knowing what I am going to learn tomorrow.

So for me “agreement & argument” go hand in hand & something I aim for.

As opposed to what I think is used more commonly in relationships, which is the “promise – compromise”
e.g. a marriage is based on the idea of promise & the compromise, I think, with people promising to
stay together for life & nearly 50% failing to live up to such a promise and the whole
thing full of compromises anyway. (Funny I only discovered recently that the word compromise could also
be pronounced com promise)

I hope you can understand this point I am trying to make & I hope you would prefer the idea of
Agreement-Argument rather than Promise-Compromise. I have never met anyone that has agreed with me on this idea only
Stephen so far.

This is my first point of Argument that I am hoping to get our first Agreement on.

Any feedback much appreciated.

Don’t confuse the two. If a man initiates it is a sexual cycle.
If a woman initiates it could be one or the other & the man needs to investigate.
They don’t call me Sherlock for nothing

I wonder if this is my destiny. To expound the virtues of investigation & my last name happens to be Sherlock? Ha! 
My youngest brother & I have been spending some quality time lately with our older brother in counselling. Unusual?  Well… yes. The councillor from Relationships Australia said it was & none of their paper work was designed to cope with such a threesome. Well that just makes it all the better to me. I always did like to do things that are a bit out of the ordinary.

After 2 sessions establishing a rapport between the councillor & my younger brother Steve & I, we finally took a session with our older brother Tom. All went well & here is what transpired.

During our first session without Tom the councillor heard me say I apologised to my mum but in a way that he did not feel comfortable with. So, to this he replied that my apology was “invalid” & then later warned me to be “careful” how I deal with my mum. After the session he noted that I was “intense”. I think I did well considering a trained psychologist used, what I considered to be a very dominating language on me.

So we had to return the following week without the older bro until we sorted out this discrepancy in the first session. What I learned was that we, as humans, seem to drop “Emotional Breadcrumbs” when we feel threatened so that we can investigate the situation later on & also to allow others to examine the breadcrumbs also. What a fantastic way to preserve a moment in time for ever it seems in this “emoltion” that forms a block of time & space in our minds possibly for ever or at least long enough to evaluate it.

Obviously what I had said to the councillor set him back enough to drop such an emotional breadcrumb as to say my apology was invalid. I guess his experience with his mum came in at that point as he agreed & so he dropped that crumb for him & me to look at. Well I did & I cam up with that I would prefer him to only tell me what he would do in that situation or ask me why I did & said what I did. The councillor agreed to this in our second session. Great. With this agreement it allowed us to move on & establish a language that all three of us were willing to accept.

We then brought Tom, the older brother, in to our third session to see if we could establish some agreement similar to what we achieved with the councillor. Tom complied throughout the session but on nearing the end lashed out saying that I was “too intense”. Another bread crumb for me to investigate, I realised later & did not react to his comment only allowing it. After the session I realised that I felt quite down & not really knowing why. But with this bread crumb evident I was able to establish just what it was & what Tom wanted to achieve by dropping it, investigation. And four hours later while flying up to Brisbane a veil of depression was removed when I could see that that was what had occurred & the “emotional breadcrumb” , term was born.

Unbeknownst to me, I had been dropping these breadcrumbs for most of my life using drama to let others know that they need to be followed up & saving them for me to follow up when I was more knowledgeable. Well I now am & can now investigate the past breadcrumbs of my life. Starting with the original one that started off all of this therapy stuff.

Twenty two years ago I arranged with my mum to have family therapy sessions with my mum, dad , 3 bothers & a sister. Well it was there that I dropped my biggest bread crumb of my life, calling my mum a “compulsive liar” & my dad a “piece of chicken shit for allowing her to lie”. Wow! What a bread crumb. Unfortunately no one else or myself cold see the statement for what it was & it was never investigated by anyone at the time. However I have spent that last 22 years, 40 journals & most of my waking life working on this & have come up with some interesting concepts that I believe will someday rock the world or at least my world.

One is that failure to investigate emotional breadcrumbs results in us taking sides & by taking sides means by virtue that we fail to investigate.

What emotional breadcrumbs have you failed to adequately investigate?

Good on you Richard Dawkins, I agree with you that all religion is formed by organisations that use more superstitions than anything to do with God. Like in Monty Python’s Life of Bryan, it is all up to ones interruption & then how well one can convince others to follow them. I was a born again Christian for 2 & half years & can speak from experience after being thrown out for asking too many impertanent questions. The story has been around for thousands… don’t question the so-called authority or you will be in trouble!