rethink PERFECT

What is the difference between Advice and Feedback

Andrew’s Answer:
Advice for me is without understanding the personal problem but giving “in my situation…”
Whereas feedback for me is that personal “advice” tailored to ones problem?!
Eg. A feedback loop, it started with the problem and is helping it?!

Steve’s Answer:
Technically – I’d say advice is paid for – feedback is free.
I think neither is objective, hence the need to filter with that in mind.

Free advice to me feels a bit didactic, hence I too prefer feedback – though on occasion
I am prepared to pay for advice (which I try take on its merit rather than being impressed by the givers reputation or price tag)

One other thing about advice vs feedback – regardless of which one you get given,
I would tend to enquire if the person giving it actually applies it to their own life and if not why not? if yes – give me an example.

I reckon that would turn the exchange more so into a conversation rather than one way advice, feedback

Des’s Answer:
Feedback requires detailed input to a specific issue, it is more specific and personable.
Whereas advice is more generic and more applicable to general issues.

In order to give expert feedback one would need to get expert input.
In other words the feedback can only be as good as the input.
Eg. Feedback on your latest job that you have applied for.

Where as expert advice, because of its generic nature can be given regardless
of the input.
Eg Expert advice on the property market in Melbourne

It seems to me that there are two approaches or mediums for communicating, direct and indirect. Direct being to go direct the the person or organisation that one has the problem or issue with and indirect to go behind the backs of the person of organisation that one has a problem or issue with (colloquially called gossip).

The indirect medium is far more popularly used and, I believe, has resulted in causing a lot of problems in our society and for businesses.

Most people choose the indirect approach to “vent” or “dump” their problems on their family and/or friends resulting in a merry-go-round of spreading this load throughout the community with usually the last person to hear being the person or organisation that the issue is with. This method, although endorsed by the users as being the better approach, can pervert the issue, resulting in inefficient and inaccurate information being dispersed.

Couple that with sycophantic and obsequious behaviour by the listener of such gossip and we have a perfect storm for compiling a one sided story and exasperating disputes. Most people do not use the direct approach to solving or resolving issues because they are afraid of how the person or organisation will react to this information and because there does not seem to be any “rules of engagement” for such a process. And also because it is not encouraged or endorsed by, I dare say, anyone.

Well I am endorsing it here and as difficult as it may seem and insurmountable the process may seem, by choosing this medium, one is setting oneself in a direction that can lead to surprising results.

For one thing, after trying the direct approach for some 30 years, I recommend  using an agreed set of “rues of engagement” (ROE) or guidelines for sharing such issues or problems direct. Being without practice and using the indirect approach for so long, I recommend that one develops such ROE ASAP.

I have cobbled together some 6 ROE that my brother and I use when using the direct approach to resolving our problems. These ROE have been designed to moderate our discussions or conversations during our direct approach. But of course you can cobble together your own.

So far this approach seems to have kept me out of trouble but the down side to it is that because not many people seem to vouch for this method, it can leave one out there in the blue ocean while everyone else it drowning in a sea of red (blood).

I am trying to explode/explore this thought further?

Men donate their DNA (apparently through their sperm)
Women receive/accept DNA (apparently through men’s sperm)

Women (unless they are raped) choose whose DNA they accept
Men nominate who they would like to donate their DNA to.

What do you think so far?

My next book that I am about to read is called:

Sex at Dawn – The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality

The biggest cause of abuse is supposedly being abused. The biggest cause of expectations
is being expected of. I think expectations of others is an abuse.

Just because everyone does it does not make it acceptable, in my view.

Continued from my previous post:
To Commit or Not to Commit that is the Expectation

Does anyone need to be committed to the beauty of a rose?

Unhappy Valentines day. The average length of a marriage in Australia is 8.7 years. more.
These are some of my thoughts on what is causing these “lifetime commitments” to continually fail at such a high rate.

What if we agreed to substitute the idea of “commitment” with “desire”?
When I enjoy what I am doing and who I am with I don’t need to be committed to them or what I am doing, I simply like being there in the moment. Why can’t women simply relax and know that by treating her man well and getting him to treat her well that you will both LIKE each other and love will simply follow.

Well that is what I am looking for. As soon as I feel forced to do something or to be with someone I cringe and want to run a thousand miles. And I have a feeling that I am not the only one that thinks or feels this way. It is my theory that anybody that has ever taken a breath on this planet feels the same, only have allowed themselves to be imprisoned, to some degree by what has been expected of them from their peers, parents, and their opposite number.

But how can desire and passion flourish when expectations reign? I don’t think it can and we are then left with a world of lifeless people stuck in lifeless relationships most of their lifeless lives. Sad but true, in my view.

Now I am not saying that men are the victims here of women’s expectations they are just acting stupid and letting their penis do their thinking for them.

Here are some suggested ideas of what I think we need replacing in relationship vocabulary to get a marked change in personal relationships:

“To commit” or to “make a commitment” seem to be the buzz phrases of most single women out to “trap” her man.

When will they get it? When will they realise that the biggest cause of relationship failure is, in my view, the pressure that is applied to both through this ridicules process, that is still deemed appropriate and acceptable in 2014?

It is almost like we are living in a world some 100 years ago. But why have we not evolved? Why have we remained in this time warp of thinking that expectations of another are valid and useful and acceptable.

Well, in my view they are not acceptable. Expectations of another are not going to achieve any long term result other than destroy a relationship.

Granted most guys will put up with just about anything for a chance to get his end in, and putting up with her expectations and all the resentment and anger that comes with the lack of fulfilment of such behaviour, is the price most will be willing to pay, at least for a while, until she works out that that is exactly what he is doing; putting up with her and her expectations.

Ok, so what is the solution to using such antiquated devices of expecting someone to perform? Well what about a complete restructuring of the whole concept of relationships and marriage and to bring it into the 21st century and to get men to participate much more in this process.

More to come….. stay tuned or better still leave some feedback.

If you were a slave driver in the south of the US some 200 years ago and I told you that slavery was understandable but not acceptable, you probably would have scoffed in my face and said that what I was saying was ridicules and that of course slavery was acceptable as the law says so.

Move 200 years forward and if I now told you that anger was understandable but not acceptable I also think that you would scoff and say that what I was saying was ridicules that of course anger is acceptable as we all do it and that there is no law against it.

But does this argument hold water? Do we need a law to deem what is or is not acceptable?
If I told you today that slavery was not acceptable you would agree regardless what law did or did not exist.

What if we simply agreed that our own anger was understandable but not acceptable and we would need to be accountable for our outbursts by apologising for them regardless of the cause or reason. Then, in a way we are forming a “law” that outlaws such behaviour and after a bit of practice, I say that we would wonder how we ever thought such behaviour could be acceptable in the past.

Try it and see.

In reply to Ellen Dudley’s post:
How to remove the doormat/nagging conflict from a relationship

Calling oneself a doormat is an interesting analogy to me. What is usually on the face of a doormat? WELCOME. To me it is not a coincidence that the term “doormat” is usually associated to women. So why is it that women are more likely to welcome being a doormat and allow themselves to get into this situation in the first place. The situation of giving “freely” and then complaining irresponsibly or more commonly called nagging? I think that it is because they use their house work (or anything else) as an investment where they give to make a deposit and know that they can call on that investment whenever they choose and can expect and even demand a return. Termed the law of reciprocity, any man/person worth his/her metal should be aware of it and not accept such, so called, gifts. As the saying goes there is no such thing as a free lunch not even from a Welcome Doormat.

So it is 2014 and for me it could be the Year of the Expectation, that is; finally getting my head around them. For me and my brother Steve, we have thrown out the idea of expectations and agreed to replace them with explanations. We can do that by simply agreeing, it is that simple. We agree that we have no right to expect anything from anyone else, not even if we offer to do the dishes and clean up after our partners. Anything we give can only be seen as a true, free gift without any expectations and if we do expect anything in return then we simply agree to put up our hand and acknowledge and apologise for it.

Now if we could find a woman that was willing to agree to such a simple principle then I think that it could be a match made in heaven. Of course there would be a lot more explaining going on and we would need to learn to explain very well if we wanted to achieve all the previous stuff that we had expectations of others to give us.
This could take a lifetime to master but should be fun.

SMALL TALK

= Chit chat, simple talk about simple subjects such as the weather, travel, family etc.

LARGE TALK

= Debates, discussions, conversing on deeper or more complicated and more controversial subjects such as sex, politics religion, parenting etc. with our values being exposed.

MEDIUM TALK

= Is a growth medium or culture for growing our own values

For me it is a singularity, in that; it allows us to go from Small Talk to Large Talk
and share our own values in a more safe and controlled environment and feed
the results back into the Medium as a perpetual organic machine to grow more values.

WHAT VALUES HAVE YOU GROWN LATELY?
For example here is our company and personal primary value that we have agreed to earlier:

“Anger is understandable but not acceptable”

We have agreed to this statement and to replace some of the possible causes of our anger with the following sub-values:

1. Replace deadlines with milestones

2. Replace rules with (6As) guidelines

Speaking Guidelines:

A1. Replace dogma with Adjustable language

A2. Replace blaming with Accountable language

A3. Replace rhetorical with Acceptable language

Responding Guidelines:

A4. Replace resentment with Appreciation

A5. Replace ignore with Acknowledgement

A6. Replace attack with Apology

3. Replace promises with agreements

4. Replace plans with predictions

5. Replace venting with responsible complaints

6. Replace commitment with desire.

7. Replace expectations with explanations (using the guidelines from 2.).

Steve and I have agreed that we replace the value statements below with the following values and add them to our personal and business cultural relationships. These are based on the following more scientific approaches:

1. Ask a Question
2. Do Background Research
3. Construct a Hypothesis
4. Test Your Hypothesis by Doing an Experiment
5. Analyze Your Data and Draw a Conclusion
6. Communicate Your Results
   ref Science Buddies

.

1….instead of deadlines,  we use Milestones

dead·line – noun

1. the time by which something must be finished or submitted; the latest time for finishing something.
2. a line or limit that must not be passed.
3. (formerly) a boundary around a military prison beyond which a prisoner could not venture without risk of being shot by the guards.

To complete the analogy management of businesses today can then say you are “fired“, supposedly derived from “fired out” or discharged as from a firearm, if their staff do not make the supposed deadline.

We, Steve and I, do not think that this type of language is appropriate for us in the 21st century and have agreed to use milestones and be a lot more careful how we go about hiring someone.

2….instead of rules, we use Guidelines

For rules we are suggesting using guidelines, that is; if someone does not agree with them we are willing to rethink them until we get an agreement. Presently we are using three words/concepts for delivering a message and three words/concepts for responding/disputing with the message if it is not delivered as per the guidelines.
For example:

Speak/Deliver With

• Adjustable language
• Accountable language
• Acceptable language

Respond/Dispute With

• Appreciation
• Acknowledgment
• Apology

3….instead of plans, we use Daily Predictions

As plans are usually so formal, solid and far off, we are proposing that we use daily and explained predictions instead.
Rarely to the best laid plans go to “plan” and can also take years to produce. For our startup and life in general we are willing to try predictions in our step by step approach. We understand enough that with so many moving parts that each prediction is fairly loose and will need rethinking regularly during the course any project.

4….instead of expectations,  we use Explanations

As with having deadlines the result can be to have expectations of others to achieve certain results, within certain timelines. So too we have agreed to remove all expectations from our thinking and replace them with explanations. So instead of expecting a certain result we simply agree to improve our level of explanation. If we are not getting the right result then we have not explained desired result well enough. Or in other words it is not that they have not listened but we have not explained. This also applies to these values laid out here.
They can always be improved upon and explained better. Once again the listener rules.

5….instead of promises,  we use Agreements

As the saying goes rules and promises were made to be broken. How can one make a promise for anything in the future when we are aware that life can be so unpredictable? So, we have agreed to use agreements instead. That is; rethink agreements or ones that can be revisited at any time depending on the latest piece of information that has come to hand. I have always found it ironic that the word “compromise” is made up com and promise. We have agreed not to compromise ourselves or our our values.

6….instead of venting,  we use Responsible Complaints 

“Gossip is the medium of the masses” or so we say and agree that if we have a problem with someone it is better to go direct to the source. It is that simple, really. If we need to get some issue off our chest then there is no better person to do it with than the one that it involves and we encourage each other to do just that. Simply use the 6 guidelines in 2. and we believe that things will work out for the best.

7….instead of facts,  we use Stories 

In our view there is only one side to a fact but two sides to every story. We prefer and agree to use stories with adjustable language based on how we see it not how everyone is supposed to see it.