rethink PERFECT

I met Shauna (26) the other night. Five foot tall, beautiful, petite blonde and drives a 40 tonne dump truck.
She was telling me that I should not leave it “too late” to find someone. That I should “charm” women if I want to get anywhere with them. This idea intrigues me as it seems to be the same theme of many women that we men, in 2011, should still charm them. And what should they do? I suppose, accept the charming and charmer graciously however contrived, and ‘puts out’.

Well, this sounds very much like Victorian in thinking, to me. It is like they expect me to drive up in my horse drawn carriage with my driver at the reigns and me in the back with my top hat and white gloves on.
“How’d you do madam?” I say bowing slowly. “Charmed, I’m sure” she replies as she curtsies. How very quaint!

I wonder if any women have ever received the “charm” from a man that turned out to be anything but charming later on. Now wouldn’t that be cynical of me. To think that men would actually use this “charm” idea against women. Surely not. But this might explain why the failure rate of relationships is nearly one in two now. Maybe we men can only feign our charm for so long and women can only avoid scrutinizing our charm for so long. Maybe when couples say that they “grew apart”, she finally saw past his “charm”,
and found she just didn’t like the rest of his behaviour. That no amount of charm could cover that up.

Maybe if these women were less fond of some Victorian era myth and more discriminating with the men that they were talking to, like finding out what we thought about anger and when and if it was ever appropriate, for example. Or what we thought about open disclosure and when it was and was not appropriate, they may find a more appropriate and suitable partner for a long term relationship instead of a short term “charmer”.

Perhaps if these issues were cleared up first she could then help him to understand how she specifically wants to be “charmed” and I am sure he would have no problem in supplying her specific desires.

In 2011 I would venture to say that we men also are looking to be charmed. 100 years on from women seeking equality, surely it is time we got some equality in this area also? But in my case, I only want to be charmed by a woman that has dealt with the more important issues first, like her anger management issues and by someone that has similar values to open disclosure as I have. How I would like to be charmed will be reserved for the woman that meets my more immediate needs first. But a woman that is aware of sorting out her priorities first is a definite “charmer” to me.

I guess this post is not going to win me any brownie points in the “chariming” stakes, but gee it feels liberating! Any feedback much appreciated.

I was thinking the other day of the best way to get the most from a team and to bypass individual egos.
Any thoughts?

Now I know this sounds simple after I suggest this, so I might be onto something.

Well what have you come up with. Of course I agree that you use “communication” or talk to your team but what exactly do you talk about? And what is the order of what one should say to get the most out of the team?

To me it would be as simple as suggesting a goal. A detailed aim for what WE want to achieve over a time period. Something to aim for so that none of us have time for ego trips me included. We all contribute and participate with the goal as the focus and a possible reward at the end.

I call this goal “The Plot” ie. if we lose our cool or go off on our own tangent being ego driven rather than goal driven, then we may have “lost the plot”. This does need to be verified, however as it also could well be that the team lost the plot and the individual was the only one still goal focused.

A constant evaluation or re-evaluation of ourselves and our focus being necessary to ensure we are goal focused and not ego focused. I call this evaluation “Rethink Perfect”, where I am willing to ask myself “could I be wrong?” and willing to put up my hand if I happen to be.

So, am I on my goal focus rather than my ego focus now…who knows? But I am willing to be questioned on it. Are you?

Anyway, for those that have lost the plot, it is not a huge step away to bring them back into the fold of the original goal and to get them onto the “plot” again.

This idea can work in teams of sport, business, personal relationships and families, I think.
And teams could even form teh “plot” together so that they own the goal.

Any feedback much appreciated.

Most complaints don’t reach their intended, rightful owner. That is, the person or organisation that it is directed at. Or if it does get to them it is not delivered in the same format that it first started out as. Usually weeks later and compounded by numerous other complaints. This is especially true for business but also true in personal relationships. It seems that we are the last to find out that that person had an issue with us. If we could only get to hear the complaints first, before they start doing the rounds behind our backs, we would be blessed with a dearth of feedback and pertinent information that we could use to modify our behavior or at least address the situation.

Doubt what I am saying and just listen in to conversations around you when at cafes or on the street and I think you will find the conversations consisting of a myriad of complaints of unfulfilled desires falling short of their rightful business, government or individual ears.

So how do we change this entrenched culture and do we even recognize that this is a problem and needs changing at all? This book is an attempt to expose, what I consider, to be an obvious problem and suggest a number of solutions and tools that could turn this behavior around. I think that it has been so long since we have disclosed our complaints responsibly to the recipients that we have forgotten how it is done.
At the same time we have also forgotten how to deal with hearing such direct approaches and such confronting information. These things have to change! How we deliver complaints and how we receive them.

Rethink Perfect is a 25 year journey of discovering the existence of complaining responsibly, learning to dissect these two skills of giving and receiving them and attempting to apply them in my life using my brother as a guinea pig and hoping to apply them in a relationship some day.

When you think about it, it is pretty obvious that it is not because of what we have in common that causes our relationships to break but because of what we don’t have in common or what we cannot resolve in our differences. But where are the books and information telling us how we can go about delivering this information to our intended? How do we go about airing our complaints so that we can get a constructive and balanced outcome for all? Where is the dialogue amongst our peers and elders reminding us that the direct approach is the best way and the tools that we should use to deliver and hear the messages that are most difficult to give and receive?

What if I told you that there is a long lost method detailed in the bible (now don’t worry I am not about to bible bash you as Rethink Perfect has no ties with God or Jesus only to reference this verse like any other book that I have read over my 51 years) that no organisation in the world would carry out as I think it would lead to their ultimate loss of their power? This verse is less than 10 lines long but, to me, summarizes my quest to find out the relevance of such a direct method of complaining and dealing with someone or an organisation that we have a problem with.

Matthew 18:15-17
15. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
16. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
17. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

So it is becoming more apparent to me that Rethink Perfect and my quest is built around this verse and this possible long lost method of complaining to each other and listening to complaints so that we can change and improve our situations so much more than we are achieving now.

Also, alongside this book is included a fairy tale that I wrote some 20 years ago depicting a young bird called Biron who lived in a valley of birds that had lost the art of flight. He was the first bird in who knows how many generations that ever asked the question what his wings were for and then set about finding out.
I am sure you can start to see the similarities with the story of forming Rethink Perfect.

How to complain responsibly?
Well, I think it is useful to use what I call the 3A’s for complaining. That is

1.  Appreciate, thank them for the positive contribution they have made to you.
2. Apologise, for not letting them know sooner about the problem.
3. Acknowledge that you are new at this and are not likely to get it perfect
Finally make an agreement on how to move forward by stating your proposed solution, like, “From now on can we agree that……” In this way the complaint is overshadowed by the proposed agreement and solution.

And Prepare for the Failure? 
Well, to me the whole process is a preparation to avoid the failure but inevitably, we are never likely to get it “right” or perfect being human. And even if it were possible, is the  recipient of the complaint, likely to hear it perfectly? Not likely either.
So, just be prepared for this and take it into account, if it doesn’t go as smooth as hoped. Having both people agree to this process and awareness of “complaining responsibly” and the preparedness for failure is also important for ultimate success.

If the recipient has any complaints, please follow the same complaints procedure!

Imagine if we always thought that we were always right, all the time, at the time (nano second) of decision making. That we needed to believe that we were perfectly right to make instantaneous decisions. That we lived in virtually a paradox. Where we know that we could be wrong about the next thing we think about and the last thing we did or said but that for the briefest and instantaneous of moments, that represent “now” or the present, we think that we are perfectly right. If this were so then that would mean for any given day we could average some 20 perfectly right decisions a minute or some 20,000 of them daily.

Imagine the effects such thinking could have on our general thinking and planning.
Heck, it might even explain how people can claim that they can guarantee to stay with someone for a life time, almost as though they can make a perfectly right, instantaneous thought, last a life time. However we both know the statistics and possibly, 1 out of 2 that are reading this have already experienced such an unrealistic promise being made by themselves and also had someone make one to them.

For this reason I have created “Rethink Perfect” as a basic counter balance for our “perfectly right”, decision making brain, that seems to need to think that it is perfectly right all the time, at the time of decision making. And to fight the effects that such thinking can have on us, especially if we are unaware of this process in how we make decision.

I would love your feedback on this idea.

The Fear Trap…my analysis and solution.

Men are shit scared of women! Does anyone disagree with this premise?

Why? Because they we don’t want to get in trouble for saying or doing the “wrong” thing.
Because our mothers would fly off the handle when we were kids and now we think all women do the same.

The results are that when we could and should speak up about a decision “she” is making, we don’t and disasters occur.

The Problem
As long as women feel that it is their god given right and duty to get angry (MAD) at him, and he continues to believe it, he will continue to cower in fear or her wrath.

The Solution
If it was agreed that whoever gets angry at the other for whatever reason, that their actions are in the wrong and it is unacceptable. Then, I think, the world around us would change for the better.

If this agreement was made then we could agree upon some tools to assist us in achieving this goal.
for example the 6A’s and the Agreement Machine for starters.

The same goes for domineering men and all bosses. We all need to fight the Fear Trap.

Finally, after 25 years of working on the concept, I have come up with the title
“Rethink Perfect – How to prepare for disputes in conversation”.
Why Rethink Perfect? Good question. Have you ever noticed that when we are as happy as Larry we can speak with “I think this…” and “In my opinion that…” but as soon as conflict occurs, it is gloves off with “And you did this…” and “You’re wrong because…”. Our conversation seems to be peppered with dogmatic statements where we amplify someone’s negatives and filter out their positives. Rethink Perfect is designed to reverse this. To expose our dogma and aggression to ourselves and others.

When we first meet, generally, it is all nice, softly, softly talking. It seems that none of us has really giving it a thought about how we will deal with the situation when disputes and conflict arises within a conversation. Avoidance or sweeping it under the carpet being a tried a true solution. Well as sure as my name is Des, disputes will arise. How we deal with them is the template for all future events. Preparing for these occasions allows us to not be reliant on our primitive brain to find a solution at the time. Business and personal relationships fail, I believe, not because of what we have in common but because of what we don’t or can’t see eye to eye on. Or in other words, disputes. And with so many failures in relationships, it seems about time that some solutions were presented.

It amazes me that not many people have given this much thought. Or maybe they have and just developed such myopic thinking that allows them to believe that there is no possible solution. That everyone is different and every problem has its own possible solution and each needs to be dealt with on a case by case basis. Well I beg to differ.
Or maybe they are just waiting for someone to come along with a readymade solution.
Well here I am and although I do have some interesting and useful tools, this journey is not going to be easy. You might eventually know all the moves but perfecting those moves takes a life time, I think.

“If you lose it (your cool) you’ve lost it (the plot)”

The “plot” being that we want to get a converion not a coersion.
I guess we need to get this agreement first then eh?

ie What is your plot? Mine is to get a conversion not a coersion.
And if I lose my cool I lose my conversion… I think.

We could not have put a man on the moom without a clear plot and the conversions of thousands
of minds and ideas… I think.

You see “I am an ideas man… with no idea!”

An interesting pattern seems to be revealing itself to me lately. As I ask people if they agree with the statement or the 1st tool of engagement “If you lost it, you have lost it”. The people that like to get angry at others and blame them for getting them angry will not agree to this premise. While people that are less prone to losing their cool will easily agree to this and shake my hand.
This is turning out ot be a great measure for me to steer clear of anyone that I cannot get this agreement with.

What do you think? Do think if you lose your cool you have lost the conversation?

Funny, it seems that half of conversations are taken up by our complaints or in other words, how we failed to convert someone into giving us what we want.
eg “I can’t believe that Tiger Airways changed my flights like that without even letting me know and I could not do a thing to stop them”
While the other half of our conversation is spent letting others know of our latest find. Or in other words trying to convert others into trying what we found to be very useful.
eg “I must tell you about the greatest pizza shop that I found in the back streets of Carlton…”
Yet when I pose to someone that the nature of “conversation” is to “convert” and/or to be “converted”, to get a “conversion” or a “convergance” of ideas, they are not convinved by my proposition and try to convince me otherwise (or convert me). I guess I have to keep working om my conversational pitch.

*Update 16/03/2011
I would now say that conversation is to convert. That is to convert information into possible solutions.

When two anchors are carrying the load of 80Kg anything more than 90 degrees is not recommended.
I still recommend 90 degrees as it give you ample room to do one’s own thing
but 90 or less angle is better. So a relationship where each person is pulling at an angle of say 80 degrees results
in sharing the load of 80Kg down to 56Kg each. So if the fear is the load and weighs 80kg for one it will only weigh
about 63Kg when supported by two people at 90 degrees.

The load of 80Kg is then taken by one person when there in dispute with the other person actually adding to the weight of
the person on the right